Friday, February 22, 2008

Aiyo!!

This is what i hear myself saying several times a day and crying within myself. These two months that were always special in my life are the most painful now ;(
I feel so sad, feel like dead meat.
Something growing inside me and i am committing another sin of bringing another soul to face this bad bad world. Every life on earth is a sin, and i am sinning twice now. I feel no connection or bond to this thing but a fierce need to protect this poor soul from entering this horrible world. I dont have the heart to kill nor am i ready to protect this life. How can i protect when i myself have nothing...
I dont feel happiness or sorrow in extremes anymore. All that expressions of love and romance that i was craving and fighting for till now, is no more giving me the happiness that i deserve. Infact i am not able to handle extreme expressions of love and romance from the one person i craved it from. Everythings lost.. and what comes now comes with the pain of the past.
My married life has been such a failure, i entered full of love, trust, hope and excitement. I wished us to be wild, fun-loving and completely in love with each other happily ever after. But one by one, day after day you suppressed and turned everything the other way to project the "nice guy" image to me. Hey kanna being wild and fun-loving with me would not have made u a bad person, but y bbeing like that with her, did make you a not so-good person. Why da kanna? Why did you do this to us? Now you are giving us all that we always deserved, but i find it hard to forget all that happened to me and fully accept all that you are giving me.. I think i will go crazy soon. At no stage in my married life have i got what i need. Now its too late.. I am like a dead body and what ever i get after this doesn't matter. Atleast you guys be happy.