I have lost my best friend

I have lost my best friend of 21 yrs and it feels like dead vaccum.. but i have also rid myself of my painful lover of 15 years.. i dont know to be sad or relieved.. I have to put on this hate, this aggression, this restraint to be firm this time.. but with his presence around for the next 3 months, i am scared i might go back crawling only to be shot again..

I need to get back to normal again and so decided to go for the movie with my bros and sis when invited.. anything to get my mind off him tearfully..

Seeing him today has made my heart very heavy.. he calls me strong woman.. he is the one who has always been like a rock, iron hearted and indifferent to all our problems, who would go about his daily chores like a robo, lifeless and emotionless.. i am so tired staring at this man machine and hoping for some emotions to spill..

It pained me to numb to lock him out of the house and let him sleep on the roads.. I had to make myself as evil and heartless as him to ignore that..

P to O

I just feel so sad and empty, for the first time v-day came and went even without me realizing it.. Someone had to tell me that it was v-day.. i felt so bad that i have become so love-less.. felt hopeless that i gave all my love to this family which doesnt even deserve a bit of it.. for the first time yday when i saw n's new mil i was wishing i got married into a family like that.. where they want the children to be truly happy, laugh with them, cry when n cried and kept pacifing her with such loving words and kindness.. i was so touched and moved.. and for the first time i wished i had a mil like that..

And through all the experiences in my life i never once wished to be without him in the lives to come, however painful or happy, i wanted only him in all my future lives and wished it was only him in all my past lives.. but yday for the first time i thought let him go away from me with this life and the feeling was so strong that i fell sick.. had no strength to think of it.. All through i had wished for only him but with more love and emotions towards me.. but now i guess i am exhausted and getting killed everyday by his cold and indifference.. i cant take it anymore.. i want someone warm and caring and loving and cherishing, who would not only laugh with me but also cry with me.. for all my sins i have suffered this life and will continue to suffer this life silently without adding more sins.. but atleast in the lives to come i need a proper family.. i have realized today that i have no love left in me and dont love him anymore, i am so scared to think like this and is making me more sick, but want to write hoping words to my thoughts will give me the strength to overcome my fears. infact writing this the pain in my heart is easing a bit and i am getting a feel of some oxygen in my lungs.

what a life i have led married to him :( i feel sick thinking that i have been intimate with him.. how could i read him so wrong and give myself to a person who put all other things before our pure love, how could i give my heart, mind, body and soul to a person who could lie to me at the wink of an eye.. who could keep me in such pain and go about as though things were so normal and come back to me only when he wants or is comfortable with me, how could he even think of being nice and nasty to me to rip me apart, now thinking back he has always been nice and nasty to me in his ways.. she had read him better than me, he is selfish indeed and i was blinded by the love i had for him.. and i guess she too could see that only before he committed to her, once they were committed she was blinded too.. i wish now that he had gone away with her..

yday when he was sharing things with me about his work, i wanted to tell him that i am not interested in being involved or even knowing any of his affairs, but could not get myself to hurt him, but going to do it one of these days.. i just dont want to share anything with him anymore.. this life of mine is such a wasted life, just have to tag along for the kids and keep still as to not to add more bad karma and hopefully a better life next time should follow.. Pessimistic to optimistic..

Where is the end?

Absolutely no purpose or happiness in life. Am i the reason for all this?? How can i not have wanted to be happy with this fool.. that was all that i ever wanted in life.
He couldn't treat me as a friend or an equal, all lies that he wanted an equal partner, he wanted me to be under his covers and protection. He even sucked at that, it was all a matter of convenience, whenever he travelled and i cried out missing him, where did all the protection go?? At those time i should have been a mature adult and acted more responsibly and when it came to matters of the heart, he considered me a kid and so treated me like a big bro.
Grave mistake i made, i realize now is proposing to someone who considered me a little sister, which i probably(no really) mistook as love. Why did i waste all my young days thinking and purely loving someone who did not love me in this sense.
"ITS IMPORTANT TO MARRY SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU, RATHER THAN SOMEONE YOU LOVE" how very true. How many loves have i supposedly rejected, condemned and broken... or maybe i should let my parents chose my husband, maybe i would have expected less and would have spared both of us this life of misery.

What did i really do to make him so reserved and distant between us. Is it really me and us?
How could she get him to open up the way he couldn't open up to me? This is so sad, frustrating and depressing. He claimed to be so balanced, thanks to all the knowledge he gathered from his books, but what and how did it help him.
Atleast i had the basic empathy for him, realized and took responsibility for my mistake and came back with open arms willing to do anything and everything for him, (thought that is not what happened in the long run).. but all his knowledge what did it give.. arrogance, no sense of rightousness and heart to tear me apart. Why should i read all his books? It did not teach him to do the right thing. And what a stupid justification that he left me for her since she listened to him and read what ever he gave her. If this is how shallow our love is, its not love worth it.

Why should i live with this kind of love? Is it worth all the pain. The only reason i will need to be with him is for the sake of my children.
This baby was like an insurance, i said to myself, by the time he is born, if we are not in love the way we need to be, then it will never happen, this baby was made to keep me in this marriage till then. But now looks like i cannot have the life of my dreams ever and he cannot support me in the way i need him now.
Its so frustrating that i lost it all..

I have managed to drain away all the attachment i had towards him and the kids. I have no emotions tying me to them.. but the only guilt is that the kids will be denied of a mother's love and if he marries or keeps someone, will she treat my kids well. I don't need them, but they need me, whats the solution?

Why are all the forces being so cruel to me? Why is there no period in my married life that i can say was truely satisfying, at every stage i had to miss something and now its permanent, whatever i ever have, i will never have it all.
Why did he want her in private? Surely to be quenched physically..Why did he crave for her physically?
He painted a goody goody picture in front of me and behind enjoyed to be stimulated by anything and everything. Why didn't he need me, why didn't he think that i also needed him?

He ruined it all for us and now he wants me to take responsibility for whatever happened that had caused him to go to this extent, and he is trying to make me feel that i too would have enjoyed sex with someone else, as if i don't know whether i could have or couldn't have. Idiot is making whatever little i have for him and us drain out...

Healing is so painful

I dont know what will ease my pain... crying out loud or ignoring my sorrow?

The images of him in bed with her is truly nauseating, why am i so unfortunate to go through this?

Sometimes the pain is so intense that piercing myself with a knife wouldn't be that painful. At such times i contemplate killing myself to permanently put an end to my sufferings ... but what happens to others around me?? Looks like he will blame and ruin himself if i do so, but by not doing so i am afraid of ruin that is happening to me. And then there is my daughter and the baby.. i dont want to put them through a pained childhood.

So i need to sacrifice my eternal peace for the sake of the ones i love...

There is nothing i can do to reverse what happened on Feb3 2007. Wish it did not happen...

Aiyo!!

This is what i hear myself saying several times a day and crying within myself. These two months that were always special in my life are the most painful now ;(
I feel so sad, feel like dead meat.
Something growing inside me and i am committing another sin of bringing another soul to face this bad bad world. Every life on earth is a sin, and i am sinning twice now. I feel no connection or bond to this thing but a fierce need to protect this poor soul from entering this horrible world. I dont have the heart to kill nor am i ready to protect this life. How can i protect when i myself have nothing...
I dont feel happiness or sorrow in extremes anymore. All that expressions of love and romance that i was craving and fighting for till now, is no more giving me the happiness that i deserve. Infact i am not able to handle extreme expressions of love and romance from the one person i craved it from. Everythings lost.. and what comes now comes with the pain of the past.
My married life has been such a failure, i entered full of love, trust, hope and excitement. I wished us to be wild, fun-loving and completely in love with each other happily ever after. But one by one, day after day you suppressed and turned everything the other way to project the "nice guy" image to me. Hey kanna being wild and fun-loving with me would not have made u a bad person, but y bbeing like that with her, did make you a not so-good person. Why da kanna? Why did you do this to us? Now you are giving us all that we always deserved, but i find it hard to forget all that happened to me and fully accept all that you are giving me.. I think i will go crazy soon. At no stage in my married life have i got what i need. Now its too late.. I am like a dead body and what ever i get after this doesn't matter. Atleast you guys be happy.

Life is pain, it sucks at the moment

Kanna at the end of it when I tell u that my life has been a failure for me, u get angry and upset. But that I how I feel da, thinking about my life itself pains me, thinking of the past is pain, present is pain and no anticipation of the future da, thinking of stepping into the future which for me would be same as the past.. is a pain, but future would be different for u on the personal front kanna, I will never spring a bitter surprise on u anymore. Kanna, I feel like saying again that you cannot keep me happy, u don't know and hence not capeable, but the last time I said it with helplessness, disappointment and hope for better times but this time its with a lot of hurt and anger since I saw ur capeabilities... which u are still not capeable with me, and I cannot get myself to asking u anymore, figiting with u anymore for what I want... I have resigned to my fate, failure in my love life, I don't have one anymore, its dead I have to tell myself and grieve to myself...
Kanna when we started dating u were not like many other guys, many guys proposed to me with pens, sweets, bangles, hair clips etc.. but no body appealed to me, none of it appealed to me than the true and sincere you.
Happiness is a state of mind and its within my control to be happy or otherwise... How true :) but what is missed here is that, am I getting what I want? what is important to me to be blissfully happy???... NO... Just make the best use of whatever I have and not be dependent on anything else for my happiness, for what is not in my hands i cannot control, hence like the story of bitter grapes go.. I need to believe/say that I don't need it to be happy, I am above all those petty desires, I will be happy whatever is the scene, if this is how man was wired to be then there would be no need for marriage, love, relationship at all... and above all, all those self development books...
When all these books say happiness is ur attitude then why do we rely on relationships to enrich our lives, why don't these books just tell lead ur own life in solitude?