Where is the end?

Absolutely no purpose or happiness in life. Am i the reason for all this?? How can i not have wanted to be happy with this fool.. that was all that i ever wanted in life.
He couldn't treat me as a friend or an equal, all lies that he wanted an equal partner, he wanted me to be under his covers and protection. He even sucked at that, it was all a matter of convenience, whenever he travelled and i cried out missing him, where did all the protection go?? At those time i should have been a mature adult and acted more responsibly and when it came to matters of the heart, he considered me a kid and so treated me like a big bro.
Grave mistake i made, i realize now is proposing to someone who considered me a little sister, which i probably(no really) mistook as love. Why did i waste all my young days thinking and purely loving someone who did not love me in this sense.
"ITS IMPORTANT TO MARRY SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU, RATHER THAN SOMEONE YOU LOVE" how very true. How many loves have i supposedly rejected, condemned and broken... or maybe i should let my parents chose my husband, maybe i would have expected less and would have spared both of us this life of misery.

What did i really do to make him so reserved and distant between us. Is it really me and us?
How could she get him to open up the way he couldn't open up to me? This is so sad, frustrating and depressing. He claimed to be so balanced, thanks to all the knowledge he gathered from his books, but what and how did it help him.
Atleast i had the basic empathy for him, realized and took responsibility for my mistake and came back with open arms willing to do anything and everything for him, (thought that is not what happened in the long run).. but all his knowledge what did it give.. arrogance, no sense of rightousness and heart to tear me apart. Why should i read all his books? It did not teach him to do the right thing. And what a stupid justification that he left me for her since she listened to him and read what ever he gave her. If this is how shallow our love is, its not love worth it.

Why should i live with this kind of love? Is it worth all the pain. The only reason i will need to be with him is for the sake of my children.
This baby was like an insurance, i said to myself, by the time he is born, if we are not in love the way we need to be, then it will never happen, this baby was made to keep me in this marriage till then. But now looks like i cannot have the life of my dreams ever and he cannot support me in the way i need him now.
Its so frustrating that i lost it all..

I have managed to drain away all the attachment i had towards him and the kids. I have no emotions tying me to them.. but the only guilt is that the kids will be denied of a mother's love and if he marries or keeps someone, will she treat my kids well. I don't need them, but they need me, whats the solution?

Why are all the forces being so cruel to me? Why is there no period in my married life that i can say was truely satisfying, at every stage i had to miss something and now its permanent, whatever i ever have, i will never have it all.
Why did he want her in private? Surely to be quenched physically..Why did he crave for her physically?
He painted a goody goody picture in front of me and behind enjoyed to be stimulated by anything and everything. Why didn't he need me, why didn't he think that i also needed him?

He ruined it all for us and now he wants me to take responsibility for whatever happened that had caused him to go to this extent, and he is trying to make me feel that i too would have enjoyed sex with someone else, as if i don't know whether i could have or couldn't have. Idiot is making whatever little i have for him and us drain out...