I just feel so sad and empty, for the first time v-day came and went even without me realizing it.. Someone had to tell me that it was v-day.. i felt so bad that i have become so love-less.. felt hopeless that i gave all my love to this family which doesnt even deserve a bit of it.. for the first time yday when i saw n's new mil i was wishing i got married into a family like that.. where they want the children to be truly happy, laugh with them, cry when n cried and kept pacifing her with such loving words and kindness.. i was so touched and moved.. and for the first time i wished i had a mil like that..
And through all the experiences in my life i never once wished to be without him in the lives to come, however painful or happy, i wanted only him in all my future lives and wished it was only him in all my past lives.. but yday for the first time i thought let him go away from me with this life and the feeling was so strong that i fell sick.. had no strength to think of it.. All through i had wished for only him but with more love and emotions towards me.. but now i guess i am exhausted and getting killed everyday by his cold and indifference.. i cant take it anymore.. i want someone warm and caring and loving and cherishing, who would not only laugh with me but also cry with me.. for all my sins i have suffered this life and will continue to suffer this life silently without adding more sins.. but atleast in the lives to come i need a proper family.. i have realized today that i have no love left in me and dont love him anymore, i am so scared to think like this and is making me more sick, but want to write hoping words to my thoughts will give me the strength to overcome my fears. infact writing this the pain in my heart is easing a bit and i am getting a feel of some oxygen in my lungs.
what a life i have led married to him :( i feel sick thinking that i have been intimate with him.. how could i read him so wrong and give myself to a person who put all other things before our pure love, how could i give my heart, mind, body and soul to a person who could lie to me at the wink of an eye.. who could keep me in such pain and go about as though things were so normal and come back to me only when he wants or is comfortable with me, how could he even think of being nice and nasty to me to rip me apart, now thinking back he has always been nice and nasty to me in his ways.. she had read him better than me, he is selfish indeed and i was blinded by the love i had for him.. and i guess she too could see that only before he committed to her, once they were committed she was blinded too.. i wish now that he had gone away with her..
yday when he was sharing things with me about his work, i wanted to tell him that i am not interested in being involved or even knowing any of his affairs, but could not get myself to hurt him, but going to do it one of these days.. i just dont want to share anything with him anymore.. this life of mine is such a wasted life, just have to tag along for the kids and keep still as to not to add more bad karma and hopefully a better life next time should follow.. Pessimistic to optimistic..
