I have lost my best friend

I have lost my best friend of 21 yrs and it feels like dead vaccum.. but i have also rid myself of my painful lover of 15 years.. i dont know to be sad or relieved.. I have to put on this hate, this aggression, this restraint to be firm this time.. but with his presence around for the next 3 months, i am scared i might go back crawling only to be shot again..

I need to get back to normal again and so decided to go for the movie with my bros and sis when invited.. anything to get my mind off him tearfully..

Seeing him today has made my heart very heavy.. he calls me strong woman.. he is the one who has always been like a rock, iron hearted and indifferent to all our problems, who would go about his daily chores like a robo, lifeless and emotionless.. i am so tired staring at this man machine and hoping for some emotions to spill..

It pained me to numb to lock him out of the house and let him sleep on the roads.. I had to make myself as evil and heartless as him to ignore that..